I'm a 3L now; how's the weather down there, 1Ls?

This post was originally printed in the Georgtown Law Weekly, Vol. 43 No. 2


I have reached the zenith of lawschooldom, the highest peak of the mountain range of Georgetown: I have achieved complete and utter apathy. Thanks to my new-found status as a 3L, I have stopped doing the following:
- Attending class regularly;
- Avoiding profanity when making in-class comments;
- Brushing and flossing.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "Wait, Mark, you never did any of those things." You're right. The difference is that now many of you have joined me, in a land I call Shangri-Lazy. I've seen you here with me. You've stopped even pretending to open Word in class. Half of you are working on your fantasy teams WHILE ON CALL. The other half of you aren't even in class. No longer do you bother to ask someone to take notes for you; you don't even want to take the time to get to know 2Ls so you can have that option. Your standards of dress have slipped to one of three low points: (1) dirty frat boy, (2) dirty hippie-girl, or (3) slattern. I know of at least one guy in my Federal White Collar class has managed to somehow combine both (1) and (3).
What does this mean for you 2Ls? It means, firstly, higher grades, as 3Ls will not even bother to try for A's on the final. In fact, the registrar considers it a victory when 3L test papers are turned in without any coffee stains, fingernail clippings, etc. on them at all. it also means that the gym will be full of 3Ls trying to burn off the fat gained from their 2L summer, when firms wined and dined them on a steady stream of beer, steak, and palak paneer. If you ever wanted to date a 3L, do it now while their weight is high and their self-esteem is low. Also, do not wear your interview suit to class. It will be the mission of the worst of us to leave ketchup stains and/or vulgar Post-it(TM) notes on said suit. Just relax and enjoy the dead weight in your corporations section.
For you 1Ls, it means this: Please do not let us hear any 1L jokes. We don't care about Vosburg v. Kelly, we don't care about Con Law, and in fact we don't care about the black letter law at all anymore. It's like being in Section Three, but with less marijuana. If you want outlines from us, catch us fast before we start flushing them down the toilet, or, even worse, before we start intentionally adding false case law for our own amusement. If you choose to start dating other 1Ls, please do not be distressed if we laugh and place bets on which month you will break up. If the over/under we give you is more than two weeks, you're alread in at least the 50th percentile.
For you professors, you already know what to do. Just keep the B+'s coming, and we won't share any of the rumors we've uncovered about you with the 1Ls. We won't share the fact that we have a complete list of every "extemporaneous" story you've ever told in Rich Text Format. We won't pass on the unofficial professorial evaluations that refer to your ego as "Brobdignagian." If you violate any of these requests, we will blog about you incessantly.
For you former law fellows of ours, it was great hooking up with you on the sly. We know you've moved on to fresher meat, but you were by far the least repellent of all the illicit power-imbalance relationships we've ever had. Enjoy your clerkship, and try not to sleep with the Judge.
For you staff members out there, we're sorry we were such jerks. We were stressed about jobs, classes, and our impending break-ups/divorces. We should have been better about cleaning up after ourselves like normal civilized adults, we should have held off on crying in your Career Services office all the time, and we should have held the elevator door open for you more often.
For the administration, begin preparing to hit us up for money every chance you get. While it is highly unlikely anything will ever be named after anyone in our class, it is not outside the realm of possibility. The "Frank Walsh Republican Refuge" will someday serve as a haven for both of the GOP law students at Georgetown. Be prepared for the public Interest people to make sad/jealous jokes about being too broke to kick back into the school.
And to my fellow 3Ls: what are you doing on campus?
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Mark Nabong is a jerk who never turns his columns in on time. Reach him at mcn22@law.georgetown.edu.