A transcript of emails sent from me to my mom.

Hi Ma -
Thanks for the message. I haven't had a chance to call you back because I'm really busy. How's Pa?
- Mark

***

Hi Ma -
No, I AM paying the bill. I just don't clean out my voice mail very often. I promise I am being responsible with my money, ok? As responsible as anyone who is over $150,000 in debt can be, anyway.
School is fine; my professors have stopped writing my name on the board when I turn assignments in on time, so clearly my lawsuit had an effect.
- Mark

***

Ma,
For Pete's sake it was a joke. I don't even HAVE assignments in my classes! How can I turn them in late when they don't exist? You know, I told you a long time ago I'm not going to actually tell you anything substantive that is going on, either at school or with my girlfriend (she says "hi," by the way.)
- Mark

***

Ma,
Christine was the girl I dated at the end of college. That was seven years and FOUR girlfriends ago. Remember? That was the one who was a vegetarian, and got into an argument with Pa? I know you remember, because that's what got Pa started on his whole "chicken is a vegetable" thing.
Oh, how is Uncle Ernesto?
- Mark

***

Hi Ma,
She still won't take him back, huh? Its probably for the best. How did Aunt Nilda even find out about MySpace? She can barely operate her car radio.
On a related note, I saved the actual webpage as a PDF if you ever want to see it.
- Mark

***

Hi Ma,
A PDF is a file format that records the way the webpage looks at the time you save it.
Please tell Pa to stop sending me the email jokes. I've heard them all, and none of his friends ever delete the headings. I'm getting sixteen page emails for the sake of a one-line joke.
- Mark
P.S. I do like the new drapes.

***

Ma,
Great. Now he's emailing me video clips. Tell Pa next time to just put the LINK to the video in the email, not to send the actual video file.
To answer your second question, I already told you, several times, that DC is really, really far from Baltimore. Also, "The Wire" is fictional, and so is "24", so don't believe everything you see on TV, ok? Its really safe where I am. Plus I own a gun.
- Mark

***

MA
I AM KIDDING. Sheesh. I don't own a gun; just a really, really big knife.
- Mark

***

Dear Pa,
I'm sorry for upsetting Ma. I know she's just worried, but does she have to freak out everytime they raise the terror alert from fuchia to teal, or whatever? If someone wanted to hit DC, I promise they will not attack Adams Morgan or Dupont Circle.
- Mark

***

Hi Ma,
Firstly, I am sorry for being so flippant about the fact that you worry about me; I really appreciate it. Secondly, I PROMISE no one will attack my neighborhood with a bomb. Thirdly, there's no such thing as a "Dirrty Bomb." I think you are mixing "dirty bomb," which is an actual weapon, with "Dirrty," which is a song by Christina Aguilera. Please stop watching VH1, ok? I hate explaining cultural terms to you.
- Mark

***

Ma,
I don't really care where you heard the term; if anything, E! is an even worse channel than VH1. You definitely shouldn't be getting your information on current events from there.
"Crunk" means, basically, to have a lot of fun with your friends, but it's not the proper term for your ladies group.
- Mark

***

Ma,
I am *not* explaining that to you. Look it up on urban dictionary if you must.
- Mark

***

Dear Pa,
I never actually meant for Ma to look that up. Really, I didn't. I was just trying to avoid one of those discussions where she asks me what something means, I tell her, and then she gets mad at me for knowing the term in the first place. Remember what happened when I explained to her why everyone in high school called me "Bong?"
- Mark

***

Hi Ma!
Thanks for sending me that link! I AM excited about Obama running! Woo hoo!
- Mark
P.S. He didn't grow up in Chicago; he grew up in Hawaii.

***

Ma,
Yes, I'm sure that means he had lots of Filipino friends growing up.
- Mark

***

Dear Pa,
Well, people other than Hawaiians eat Spam, too; I doubt he eats much Spam in DC. Hell, sometimes I think I'm the only one in the city who cooks it regularly.
- Mark

***

Ma,
I don't care what Pa says, I do NOT cook Spam, ok? I only eat vegetables and chicken stock.
- Mark